Current mood: Grumpy
Reason: Really not sure. It could be that the hubby is annoying me. But then that MAY be a result of me looking for something or someone to blame for my grumpiness.
So the REAL reason?
I think that today I am coming to terms with the mammoth task ahead of me. I am waving goodbye to one life (albeit not a great one) and saying hello to a new one. It's a life I grew accustomed to throughout 2010 and was really happy with. I was focused and driven. Nothing was going to stop me from losing a massive amount of weight. If there were goodies in the staffroom, I made sure I sat far away from them with my little box of grapes. If there was junk in the classroom, or we made food with the children, I refused it.
Everyone around me admired my drive and determination. I've never had great willpower so a few people did not expect me to stick to the Slimming World regime so strictly. But I did.
In just 6 months I lost an amazing 4.5 stone. This was without an exercise regime. This was simply a result of eating well and making good food choices. I looked much better, I felt much better. I had no backache and was able to walk for miles without the pain that had plagued my lower back for years. I dropped from a size 28 jeans down to a 22. Still very much plus sized but for me? It was a wonderful achievement.
So, what happened to put me back to a size 28 jeans?
I partly blame the 6 weeks summer holidays from work in summer 2010. But mostly? I blame myself. I used it as an excuse to relax the tight reigns I had on myself. The lack of structure to my days, eating out, failure to keep my online tracker up to date...all contributed to my downfall. I still attended my Slimming World meetings until February 2011.
We moved at the end of February this year and I had to stop attending the group as it was too far for me to get to. I did not rejoin a local group until the summer of 2011. However. by then most of the damage was done. I had gained back about 2/3 of the weight I had lost and motivation was gone. I never regained it and slipped back into my old ways.
I am a creature of habit and do not adapt well to change, hence the grumpiness at accepting today that tomorrow is a fresh start. I hope that once I get going and find the drive my attitude will change and I will be happy with my new lifestyle.
Anything has got to be better than being 31, obese, childless, unable to conceive and full of back pains and joint aches eh?
I said yesterday that I would give you a greater insight to the problems my obesity has given me. Of course there are the physical and mental problems that go hand in hand with looking the way I do. My esteem is rock bottom, my physical health is impaired. I feel old. My mobility is severely reduced. I was once fit and supple...now? Not so much.
I have to deal with the looks, smirks and comments from absolute strangers who think the have a right to be cruel to the heffer. The last time I ventured our for a proper night out I was ridiculed by no less than 5 separate gangs of people. I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to go home and cry. I am out for NYE tonight and already dreading it on so many levels - What will I wear? Will I look stupid? (I may post a picture later of my outfit and you can leave a comment and tell me how I look.) How many people are going to laugh at me? Will I relax enough to just enjoy myself? The list of worries is endless.
There are those loving family members who try to be tactful about my weight but fail miserably and make me feel worse.
Those are the obvious affects my weight has on me. One effect that may be obvious to some but not to all is the affect it has had on my fertility. It is well documented that being severely underweight can affect a woman's menstrual cycles, to the point that they just stop. However this too is true for severely OVERWEIGHT people, although there is not as much information published to back up this fact.
My cycles started when I had just turned 11. They were on the dot, regular every single month until the age of 24. I knew exactly which date I would come on and at what time of day too. They were heavy flow with all the usual symptoms...spots, mood swings, sore breasts, bloating They drained me to the point I would be quite pale some months.
Then at the age of 24, I missed a period. My husband and I (at that point we were just engaged) thought that maybe I could be pregnant as I never missed a cycle. The test came up negative and I was more than a little disappointed. It wouldn't have been a great time to have a child as I was in the middle of a teacher training programme (which I later dropped out of anyway) BUT I knew I was desperate to have a child.
Another month went by and still no period. This was odd. A few months later I went to the GP about this problem and was assured that nothing was wrong and that a woman in her mid 20s often went through some upheaval with her cycle and that it would settle and return soon enough. I went away unconvinced but put my trust in her.
About 9 months after my cycles stopped I finally had a period. However, this was not to be the end of the problems. Again I went months before my next period. Eventually the GP arranged for me to have some investigative blood tests. All came back normal so again I was assured that there was nothing sinister. All the same, they sent me for an ultrasound to rule out PCOS. Thankfully no PCOS was found.
Then the doctors just left me to get on with it. Every time I went back to them with these worries that I had not regulated and the gap between periods was increasing they just told me to lose weight. As usual, blaming the weight for any health problems a fat person may be experiencing. I swear I could go to them with earache and they would blame the weight if they could!
So I have spent from the age of 24-31 feeling less and less like a woman.
The blood tests have been repeated a few times and as recently as this year I was again scanned to check my ovaries (which I have to add were described as healthy looking with no PCOS). This year the latest GP I saw explained exactly why the weight may be affecting my fertility. My latest bloods showed that my oestrogen level was very slightly raised beyond normal. She explained that in cases like mine, the excess oestrogen fools the body into thinking it is pregnant therefore the ovaries effectively shut down, preventing more eggs being released. Hence no periods. Makes sense doesn't it?
So what's the solution?
Yes, you guessed it. LOSE WEIGHT FATTY!
Only it is not easy. As I mentioned yesterday I am a very emotional eater. When I am depressed I eat junk. Sadly I have been feeling down about trying and failing to get pregnant that I have allowed myself to wallow in this misery and eaten my way back to a terrible state. I have masked my feelings by eating...and eating...and eating.
We have been trying to conceive officially for 2.5 years now (but unofficially since our little glimmer of hope back in 2004 with that first "missed" period) against all the odds. I have tracked my incredibly long cycles on the Fertility Friend website, I have used ovulation prediction kits (OPKs) tested for pregnancy too many times to count I have taken agnus castus, soy isoflavones, folic acid, vitamin B complexes. You name it I have tried it.
I should add that at present, I haven't had a natural period for well over a year. In September this year I had my first period in a year, brought on with a course of norethisterone (progesterone tablets). I was told that it may not kickstart my cycles but would bring on a period. It worked a treat and I had a normal looking period but again since then...ZILCH. So had I not had that course of norethisterone this would be my 15th month without a period.
The only speck of hope I have had over the last few years is when I lost the 4.5 stone in 2010. For about 6 months, every 28-35 days I was seeing small traces of potential cycle activity. I would have a small amount of spotting, sometimes not even that but definite traces of something TRYING to happen. I guess this backs up the GP theory that I need to lose weight in order for my body to start working again.
So this is why I have set up this blog. I need to document my minor and major achievements over the coming weeks, months, or even years. I need some record to prove to myself that losing weight will only improve my life. It will improve my mobility my self esteem, my appearance and most importantly, my fertility.
Sorry, I am rambling again. I promise not every entry will be this long. This if you believe me, is only the short version of the events of recent years too. It has been a long tough road.
So today is the last day to enjoy a pig out. I intend to enjoy a few drinks tonight and one last takeaway of the year.
Tomorrow I start my new life.
I am scared, excited, anxious, apprehensive, hopeful...too many emotions to put into words.